Life is especially tough for columnists because so much of what happens on a football field can't be pinned down to any particular cause. A plausible narrative has to be invented and defended. After all, an essay like this doesn't fill up many column-inches:
Localtown, ST -- Sometimes our hometown team has two turnovers, sometimes it has one, and sometimes it has none. Sunday, it had two, one fumble and one tipped pass for an interception, and that's probably why they lost. The end.
Season after season of regurgitating the same narratives must get old, and I'm sure sometimes columnists feel like they could be replaced by a robot. Well, now they have.
My gift to the sports writing profession is the Advanced NFL Stats Sports Column Generator! Are you up against a deadline, but can't think of a hook? Does your editor want you to do another story on the 3rd string quarterback for the Jets? Did you wake up halfway through writing your article and realize it's almost exactly the same as one from two weeks ago?
That's where the Sports Column Generator comes in. Just select the winning team and the losing team from last Sunday's game of interest, plus enter the name of the star of each team, and click Generate. A column worthy of any local paper will instantly appear. If the narrative doesn't quite fit, feel free to hit Generate as many times as needed. There are 6^15 different possibilities! (That's over 400 billion different columns, all created by stitching together the most mindless, inane, football narratives and dumb jock quotes.) You'll be amazed at how well it all seems makes sense. Here's a randomly generated example from last Sunday night's game.
Try it now: The Sports Column Generator.
Merry Christmas football columnists. I hope you have a sense of humor.