Ten Super Bowl Predictions

Aaron Rodgers' Milwaukee-area home.


As our host in these pages, Brian Burke, has established, there are two things humans love more than anything: lists and predictions (and the Twilight movies, too, turns out, but let's limit our scope to the first two items for right now). Burke's weekly game probabilities -- themselves lists of predictions -- are wildly popular for this reason.

Always one to ride the coattails of his more talented and well-liked colleagues, I've submitted here a list of ten predictions for tomorrow's (Sunday's) Super Bowl.

Here they are, sans delay.

1. Aaron Rodgers will complete a thousand-yard pass -- to one of heaven's angels.

2. The game will unfold precisely as French apothecary and noted soothsayer Nostradmus foretold -- including the exact EPA totals for each team's offensive players. (Oh, also: Nostradamus discovered EPA, turns out.)

3. James Harrison will not only come up from the bottom of a pile with a human heart, but also with some really important archaeological findings.

4. Approximately 70 or 85 percent of all Super Bowl commercials will address male fertility -- if not directly, then at least obliquely.

5. Approximately 20 percent of all University of Wisconsin undergrads will sustain low-grade, but still permanent, hearing loss while listening to Lil Wayne's "Green and Yellow" at unsafe volumes.

6. Most patrons and all employees of Pittsburgh's Andy Warhol Museum will conduct their lives as usual.

7. During halftime, Aaron Rodgers will not only adopt every puppy at the Dallas County Humane Society, but also give them all adorable names like Charlie Bucket and Emperor Tomato Ketchup.

8. Aaron Rodgers' collected snap counts will be adopted as the libretto for composer John Adams' next opera.

9. Even people who aren't watching the Super Bowl will actually still be watching the Super Bowl. (Note: this is a real Zen koan, no joke.)

10. The Grinch's heart will grow three sizes that day -- less as a result of goodwill towards man and more from an abundance of lipids.

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11 Responses to “Ten Super Bowl Predictions”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious. Also, I've been listening to "Green and Yellow" on repeat while reading Super Bowl articles for about an hour and a half.

  2. Jussi says:

    Is there any chance this website could stick to statistics and analysis? I don't feel as comfortable recommending the site to people as I used to.

  3. Bigmouth says:

    Okay, I just pooped my pants with laughter...

  4. cresswga says:

    Well I thought it was funny Carson.

  5. Carson Cistulli says:

    @Bigmouth - I hope you get that, uh, situation taken care of.

    @cresswga - What is that, some kind of Welsh name?

    @Jussi - Blame Brian, definitely, for that. On the other hand, rest assured that literally EVERY OTHER ARTICLE is full of insight. Perhaps just tell your friends that Brian is doing some community service by allowing a mildly autistic acquaintance to contribute once a week. It wouldn't be entirely inaccurate, that.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Not that funny....

  7. Brian Burke says:

    Mildly?

  8. Brian Burke says:

    Jussi - Besides, do you realize how big the huge tax write-off is for employing mentally disabled persons?

  9. Carlos Sandoval Jr. says:

    That's hilarious.

    Also, you forgot to mention that Jerry Jones will magically get rid of Super Bowl seats, with his eyeballs alone.

    Oh wait ...

  10. actuary9999 says:

    I like Carson's posts. They're more entertaining (albeit much less informative) than Brian's.

    @Jussi
    Way to look out for your friends. Surely they would be appalled at the presence of articles that are not purely statistical analysis. Fun hater.

  11. Jussi says:

    My intention was not to attack Carson or his writing, although I personally fail to appreciate the humor in it. I just feel it is a bit out of place here. People are often impatient and go elsewhere if they think the website is not about what they were after.

    I'm probably overstating it, though. And if the readers do find notions of 1000-yard passes and Burberry cloaks of anonymity funny, then absolutely go for it. I'm all for tax breaks anyway!

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